Don't Worry

In case you thought that 'soon' actually meant close in proximity to the time that Blair made the last post, I'm sorry to tell you that you were w-r-o-n-g. Clearly. It is sort of like a movie premier when they tell you that it's coming soon, but happens to be two years out. You should actually be grateful that it didn't take two years, huh? Count your blessings. But now is the time that you have been waiting for. And don't worry, it will be worth the wait. Or maybe not. You decide. I'm not making any promises.

So in case you didn't know, we went halfway around the world for a week in October. We went to the Ukraine so that I could teach law students there about jury trials through an organization that is based here in Utah. It was an amazing experience, and if you're dying to hear about it, don't worry, because you are going to right now.

First of all, if you have ever wanted to feel sheer panic, go ahead and ask the airline to lose your bags when traveling to a foreign country. But don't worry, because when you lose them, some chick in a military uniform who barely speaks English will be the one in charge of recovering them for you. So rest easy knowing that you don't have any clothes to wear and that you could end up wearing the same undies for several days in a row.

So when we landed in Kiev after our fifteen hour flight and discovered that we, in fact, did not have any baggage in the country, we were briefed on our responsibilities for the coming week and then got on a 6-hour train. And if you've never experienced a European train before, don't worry, because when a fellow American tells you to not use the restroom on the train, she's not kidding. Turns out the toilet literally flushes out onto the track. Once you realize that, you'll understand why they lock the bathrooms about 10 minutes before you get to the station. But if you wanted to work in some toning exercises on your trip, you're in luck, because you'll never sit on the toilet seat (if there happens to be one), so you'll be doing a perma squat for however long it takes you to use the restroom. But again, don't worry if you feel like it's not up to your cleanliness standards, because there's a toilet scrub brush in the corner that you're free to use. If you want to re-create the experience of peeing while on a Ukrainian train at home, go ahead and squat while standing on a basketball, with your pants down, obviously, and attempt to pee into a bucket while holding onto a doorknob. That should make you feel like you are there. But go ahead and don't use toilet paper. Instead, get some extra crepe paper from the last party you threw or a piece of a brown paper bag. That will do it. And then next time you go to a public restroom that has actually seats on the toilet and provides you with real toilet paper instead of pieces of a grocery bag, be glad that you live in the U.S. and realize that maybe public restrooms aren't as bad as you thought they were.

So the first night, the train we were on was a speed train, which in fact does not mean that it's fast, in case you came to that conclusion. Don't worry, though, because if the train derails or something, you won't get injured because you're traveling approximately thirty miles an hour, except when it gets fast on the straightaways and tops out at 40. But the other two trains we rode were "sleeper trains," where you have four bunks in your cabin and you sleep in it. Obviously. One of the sleeper trains we were on was a 14 hour ride, and we only had a box of juice and a loaf of bread. Our guide thought we were really weird because we wanted to eat every 5 hours or so. But don't worry, we didn't. We usually ate only twice a day. So every time we had a meal, we were both in starvation mode and ate as much as we could since we weren't sure when our next meal would be. We tried a few of the traditional Ukrainian dishes like dumplings and borsht, but we decided to forego the salad with cod liver oil, the fried lard, and the sour cream/mayo combo that was a topping on most items. Turns out dumplings are about the only way Blair will eat potatoes. They are pretty tasty, though, especially when you're starving.

Anyway, back to the train. This is a picture of our cabin. Luckily, it was just the two of us because the institute bought all four tickets for this cabin. Although it may have been fun to share it with two random people, right? It actually wasn't too bad to sleep on, except when the train went over what had to be logs lying on the tracks and you felt like you were going to get bucked off. Fallen tree type logs, I mean. I thought it may have been helpful to have seat belts to belt you in while you were sleeping.
When we were heading back to the U.S., we calculated that we spent about 30 hours on a train and about 30 hours on a plane. But aside from the actual traveling, it was an awesome country to see. After our first train ride, we got to L'viv, which is the second largest city in Ukraine. We stayed there for two days. This is the opera house in L'viv, and it's their most famous building. We discovered a couple things about Ukrainians while we were in L'viv. They have no concept of personal space. But don't worry about them picking your pocket. They actually just want to stand in it. Seriously, standing in line at the bank to exchange money and some dude was standing about 6 inches behind us. But everyone did it. And they are really concerned when taking pictures that they get your entire body in the picture, feet and all. So here we are in full-bodied glory in front of the opera house.
And all of the buildings had really amazing architecture, too. This gigantic awesomeness of a building was just one of the universities that I taught at. You can't tell very well from this picture, but the big statue on the top was Lady Liberty. Turns out, they really love statues in the Ukraine. If you do anything noteworthy there, you can pretty much guarantee they will make a statue of you.
After our two days in L'viv, we took the first of our two sleeper trains to Chernivsti, which was in the southern part of the country. After our first class, we went to a local museum. We had heard that the national token in the Ukraine is the egg, and turns out, we hit the jackpot at this museum. This is the first case that we found in one of the last rooms we went to in the museum. They are super intricate and detailed, and they are actually real eggs that have been hollowed out. Blair was intrigued, as you can see.
We thought that was pretty cool, then we turned the corner and went through this giant room with a lot of weird tapestries, only to discover another room filled completely with cases of eggs. It was rad.
The two highlights of our stay in Chernivsti were the University and the pedestrian walkway. We went on a little tour of the University, except they call it an excursion. So we paid an extra $1.20 for an excursion, and he told us all about the church, the main building, and the grounds out back. This is the view of the University church/monastery from the street. And don't worry about the face I'm making, because I was in survival mode and that is the corresponding facial expression. Plus, I think it was about 3 in the afternoon, and we hadn't eaten since 8 or 9, so I was a little cranky. Turns out, Blair and I are kind of like infants as far as the regularity with which we must eat.
This is the church from inside the grounds. The buildings were really amazing because the whole place was built in the late 1800s, and they were really tall, as you can tell. And Blair was pretty excited to be there, if you can't tell from this picture. Actually, our guide/interpreter Lenna told Blair to smile for this picture because she thought he didn't in the last one. So this was his response.
This was inside the main building, which was also really amazing. This hallway is on the second floor, and the domes were all tiled and the columns were marble. And in case you're wondering why we are wearing our coats in every picture, it's because it was about 35 the whole time we were there.
Most of the sidewalks were about 6 inches from the traffic, which was pretty scary since people drive like crazy and park on the sidewalks. But there was a pedestrian walkway in Chernivsti that was really great. I think this was the part that felt the most like we were actually in Europe--walking down cobblestone streets with the beautiful pastel buildings on both sides and flower planters and benches in the middle. It was very cool.
This is our classic vacation self photo.
Another thing that we really loved was all the churches. It seemed like there were huge cathedrals every few streets.
This one might look like a Dr. Seuss church, but the columns on the outside towers are just slanted. We were very impressed with how religious the people were. Every time we stopped in to check out a church, there were people there worshipping or ceremonies being performed. It was nice.
After two days in Chernivsti, we took a sleeper train back to Kiev and spent one day there before we flew back to New York. The highlight of our trip was that night, because we were able to go to the Kiev temple and spend some time there. It was just dedicated in August, so it was really a great experience to be able to go and see it.
The following morning, we had a couple hours to do some sightseeing before our flight. There was a park fairly close to the apartment where we were staying that had some monuments. Both of these are monuments to the Ukrainian people who died of starvation at the beginning of World War I, something like 13 million people. There was also a WWII monument not far from here with an eternal flame and a monument that looked a lot like the Washington Monument in D.C.
So at this point, you're probably thinking, "Well that's all pretty neat, but can you tell me anything about the smallest elevator in the world?" To which I will respond, "Yes, I can." As it turns out, the apartment building where we stayed for a night in Kiev had the world's smallest elevator. Ok, maybe not, but definitely the smallest elevator that I've ever seen, roughly the size of a very uncomfortably small shower. We had three humans in there with four decent size bags, and it was incredibly snug. We would have preferred to take the stairs, but we were five flights up with all of our baggage, so we just got in and hoped it didn't stop. And it didn't.
So then we came home. After our 15+ hours of traveling from Kiev to Salt Lake City, I have never been so glad to be in the Salt Lake airport in my entire life. And don't worry, because they lost our bags again. And let me just say that Blair was less than pleased with the situation. Consider that my diplomatic way of describing what happened when everyone else left the baggage terminal Saturday night at midnight and we were there without our bags. Again. The lady at the Delta counter probably felt like Blair looked like this when he was speaking loudly and in a frustrated tone at her:

And although we weren't really fans at the time, it worked to our advantage because our trip to California in February will now be sponsored in part by Delta Airlines. Which is great, until they lose our bags again. But don't worry, because we eventually got them back, just an entire day later and crushed. The guy who dropped them off probably thought Blair looked like that picture also.

By the way, if you're wondering what the deal is with Blair's face in that picture, Dan painted it for Halloween, which Blair loved because he scared all 5 of the trick or treaters that we had this year.

So that's how our trip was. It was awesome while we were there seeing stuff and while I was teaching, but the travel was a total nightmare. And 60+ hours of traveling in one week is just not awesome. We took a lot more pictures and experienced some fun and crazy stuff, but you've probably had enough for now. Just remember the next time you go to the Ukraine to pack everything in your carry-on and bring your own toilet paper. Don't worry, you'll love it.